This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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