my soul wont recognize me after tonight
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can feel your judgement through the phone
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
