There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
