woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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