I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
