just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize