you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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