my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
