just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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