So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
