you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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