Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize