i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
