fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
