There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize