Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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