cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
