I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
