Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize