haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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