god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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