I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
