yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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