I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
