Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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