3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
