I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
