I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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