If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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