JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
