so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
