why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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