It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
