My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
