I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
