I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
