you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
