i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
