just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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