I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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