How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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