Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Randomize
