I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i believe in u and ur pee
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
