So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
