I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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