the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
