hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
