My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize