there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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