I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
