I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
