i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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