I wish I could teleport
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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