I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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