please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
