The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
