If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
