bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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