Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
