It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
