then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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