My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize