you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
