The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
