They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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