I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
FUCK WHALES
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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