these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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