dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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