You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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