Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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